Each December, America’s favorite megacorporations dole out gifts to college football players participating in bowl games. Obviously, the holidays aren’t just about presents, but nothing says “Thanks, real sorry you missed Christmas with your family and got all those concussions” quite like a bluetooth speaker.
In honor of that Christmas spirit, we’ve highlighted the most thoughtful game gifts for the remainder of bowl season.
EasyPost Hawai’i Bowl: Hawai’i vs Memphis
Swim trunks and Oakley sunglasses
A little-known fact about the Hawai’i bowl: following the game’s conclusion, the losing team’s staff and players are forced to swim back to the mainland. These stylish shorts and shades ensure your harrowing 2,500-mile journey across the pacific looks fly as hell.
Quick Lane Bowl: Western Michigan vs Nevada
JBL Tune 750 BTNC noise-canceling headphones
These state-of-the-art headphones will block out virtually all external sound other than a distant, unenthusiastic hum, almost perfectly replicating what it feels like to play at Ford Field in late December.
Military Bowl presented by Peraton: East Carolina vs Boston College
Custom MatserCard with school colors and logo
The executives at Peraton saw this item as an absolute must, fearing future Boston College alumni would have no way of telling people that they’re from Boston and they have a lot of money.
Birmingham Bowl: Auburn vs Houston
We’re not entirely sure what exactly a shadow kit is, but it should prove immensely useful to the Auburn coaches and athletes who spend their lives in the shadow of far more successful coaches and athletes.
Wasabi Fenway Bowl: Virginia vs SMU
Players will leave America’s most historic baseball stadium with a ball featuring their name, jersey number, and social security number. Oh, you thought you’d just pawn off this one-of-a-kind gift, did you? Nice try, Mr. *** – ** – 6801.
Cheez-It Bowl: Clemson vs Iowa State
$400 Amazon Gift Card*
*Valid for purchase of Cheez-It products only.
Alamo Bowl: Oregon vs Oklahoma
Team panoramic photo
So players will always remember the Alamo. Until, you know, CTE and all that.
Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl: Boise State vs Central Michigan
Just in case participating in the Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl didn’t make you feel like enough of a tool.
Vrbo Citrus Bowl: Kentucky vs Iowa
This classy timepiece features a leather band and a stainless steel casing, perfect for semi-formal wear. Not to be confused with Fossil Watch, an Iowa City public access television program which follows the day-to-day life of head coach Kirk Ferentz.
Playstation Fiesta Bowl: Notre Dame vs Oklahoma State
Meanwhile, the losing team receives a used PlayStation Vita whose buttons have been stuck together ever since Christmas Day 2011 when a fifth-grader spilled orange Fanta on it.
TaxAct Texas Bowl: LSU vs Kansas State
Cowboy hat, belt buckle, and bandana
Most players will use this ensemble piece for a goofy, lighthearted Instagram post before discarding it. However, one LSU assistant will be asked to bring theirs back to Baton Rouge so Brian Kelly can begin crafting his born-and-raised Longhorn persona in case the Texas job opens up soon.