After 11 weeks of college football, the final tapestry of the 2022 season is starting to take shape. Still, even when we think we know how everything will conclude, none of us really do.
Except for me.
This week, I am telling you exactly what is going to happen, with no reservations about embarrassing myself. Go ahead, send me back my most incorrect takes. Call me an idiot. I’m done making all the safe, lukewarm takes. I’m in my ESPN pundit era, and no one can stop me.
Be sure to come back next week when I detail why the FDA should bring back trans fats and make cigarettes more accessible to children. For now though, here are four inexorable, unavoidable outcomes for the 2022 college football season.
TCU will either win the National Championship or lose by 50
When a team runs the ball with 20 seconds and no timeouts left, then somehow gets its field goal team out to kick a game winner, that team has clearly been chosen by the football gods. The question is: has TCU been chosen for glory, or is it about to receive some cruel, Prometheus-esque retribution for its hubris?
Every week, it feels like the Horned Frogs screw around for three quarters, then come back with a blend of offensive brilliance and downright shenanigans. After the Baylor win, head coach Sonny Dykes claimed the Frogs practice field goal fire drills every week. Insane.
Clearly, this means TCU is going to beat Georgia in the Playoff. Either that, or the Frogs are going to score two of the fastest field goals you’ve ever seen when they lose 90-6.
Ohio State and Michigan are on a collision course… with excessive promotion
Battle for the Big Ten. Game of the Century. A FOX executive’s new lake house, once the Nielsen ratings roll in.
I hope you like one of these teams, because it is all you’re going to be hearing about for the next week. And why not? Ohio State quarterback CJ Stroud is probably going to win the Heisman Trophy, and Michigan running back Blake Corum is the clear front-runner for the College Football Writers’ “Um, this non-quarterback actually should have won the” Heisman award.
So yeah, expect a nauseating amount of marketing for this matchup. Granted, this is FOX we’re talking about. The Wolverines and Buckeyes could both be playing Division III schools, and the network would still send Gus Johnson and Joel Klatt to hype up Ohio State vs. the Wapakoneta School of Optometry for Big Noon Kickoff.
Tennessee fans are really gonna lean on that Alabama win
Don’t get me wrong — Vols fans should absolutely brag about beating Bama until their brains turn to mush. I’m pretty sure my school would hold a parade if it got to nine wins. Brag on, Rocky Top.
That said, the whole “season of destiny” thing loses a little shine when you lose to South Carolina 63-38. Yes, Tennessee star quarterback Hendon Hooker got injured, but Hooker wasn’t the one trying to stop former Oklahoma benchee Spencer Rattler from throwing for 438 yards and six touchdowns.
Then again, who knows? If the Playoff Committee really does take style points into account, it would be hard-pressed to find a team that can generate as many as Tennessee. Or Tennessee’s defense, at least.
Iowa is somehow going to win the Big Ten West again
To be fair, Iowa isn’t 100-percent going to the Big Ten Championship Game. The Hawkeyes still have to get past… let’s see… ah. Nebraska.
Like I said, Iowa is 100-percent going to the Big Ten Championship Game. That seems absurd given the Hawkeyes’ historically awful offense, but historic awfulness is sort of a requisite component for a successful Big Ten West team this season.
Iowa will go to Indianapolis, lose to Ohio State or Michigan by a number of points that can’t display on a four-function calculator, then change nothing over the offseason. And centuries from now when society has crumbled and government as we know it is a relic of the past, the state of Iowa will still be paying the Ferentz family seven figures per year.