Black Friday. For most Americans, it’s a day of mass consumerism only slightly more gluttonous than the other 364. For retail workers, it’s a hellish nightmare only slightly worse than the other 364.
For college football fans, however, it’s a day of solemn preparation prior to rivalry weekend. With all your thoughts focused on your school’s final showdown of the season, it’s easy to miss out on some great bargains. That’s where we come in. Whether you’re storming Best Buy with the intensity of a 2011 Alabama defensive back or browsing Amazon with the general apathy of a 2021 Alabama defensive back, you’re sure to find a deal that’s just right for you.
For the Kids
Day-Dough
Meet the Play-Doh of the new generation. What do kids love even more than seeing their limitless imagination come to life? You guessed it! It’s generational wealth. It’s never too early to teach your little ones the power that only cold, hard Ryan Day cash can buy. If you truly love your children, you’ll make sure Day-Dough is in their grubby little hands Christmas morning. Fun to pay with, not to eat.
For the Bargain Hunter
Fire one Texas head coach, get one of equal or lesser value
Tired of sloppy mistakes and playing down to lesser competition? Had enough 8-win seasons and trips to B-tier bowl games in your home state? Finally, you can trade in that promising offensive mind with questionable leadership skills for a promising offensive mind with arguably more questionable leadership skills.
The Pac-12 North
What previously cost a top-flight defense and a competent quarterback can now be yours for the low, low price of being generally located north of the San Joaquin Valley, having 22 scholarship players, and asking nicely. Come on, it’s right there. Someone please just take the damn thing.
Michigan State’s secondary, gently used*
*Horrifically abused on a nearly weekly basis
For the Techspert
SAM: North Carolina’s Do-It-All Virtual Assistant
★★★★☆ “SAM is my light in the dark. I mean that both figuratively and literally. I sleep with a night light, is what I’m saying.”
— Mack Brown Monthly
★★★★★ “SAM is always my go-to for reading complex coverages, generating chunk plays, or opening a particularly formidable pickle jar. He’s everything I will ever want or need”
— Dave Clawson’s Digest
Disclaimer: SAM is absolutely not all you need. SAM cannot block, catch passes, kick, or play defense. Asking SAM to do way too much will almost certainly result in devastating injury and/or blowout losses to more complete teams.
For the Fitness Buff
Jim Harbaugh’s Gym Hardbod: the Michigan football exercise machine
This groundbreaking piece of equipment adapts to your body in real time — the more hope you put in, the heavier the weight of your soul-crushing defeat becomes. The Gym Hardbod also comes with a built-in flat-screen TV that exclusively plays Ohio State highlights from the previous year’s rivalry loss so you always stay motivated. After assembling the machine, you may seem to be missing a few nuts and bolts even though you feel like you should have all the pieces by now. But what are you gonna do at that point, tear it all down and rebuild?
For the Young Working Professional
The Zero-Hour Work Week by Dan Mullen
In today’s economy, it’s all about passive income, and there’s no better passive income than receiving millions of dollars from an institution that deemed you incapable of doing your job. From the same publishing house that brought you Overcoming Gross Incompetence: The Charlie Weis Story, this self-help book teaches you how to escape the nine-to-five and join the funemployed. Learn how you can make as much money in 30 days as the average American makes in nearly 200 years with personal insights from Mullen, Will Muschamp, Bo Pelini, and more of college football’s most successful coaches. Financially speaking, at least.
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