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Tire Fire Alert: Week Two

Over the past few seasons, The Solid Verbal has spoken, retroactively, about the most egregious weekly performances in the world of college football.  These lowlights, referenced lovingly as “tire fires”, have become a regular part of the podcast, as well as the sport’s lexicon.  In late 2011, EA Sports felt compelled to add a “Tire Fire Offense” badge to its NCAA 12 video game, offering a small pat on the back to gamers with poor offensive aptitude.  In real college football, though, tire fires should never be considered notable or noble achievements.  Fans around the country, from Iowa to… Iowa, need some forewarning in order to steer clear, or at least stock up on flame retardant gear.  Thankfully, as technology has advanced, so has our ability to spot danger well in advance.  Starting today, you’re officially on notice…


 

During each college football season, fans are subjected to tragedies on the football field. As we’ve only navigated through one week, a few ugly memories from 2012 still linger. The West Virginia defense. Michigan State’s offense. Maryland’s quarterback situation. They were all unfortunate, unwatchable causalities of the the college football season. But what else did they have in common?

They smelled like burning rubber, of course.

These were just a few of many tires fires that inevitably flared up over the course of the season. If you remember correctly, they were quite grisly.

Tire fires are extremely dangerous, and here at The Solid Verbal, we care about the well-being of our listeners. My name’s Taylor Schwink, and from here on out, you’ll be in safe hands.

Each week it’s my job to steer you clear of the most unsightly performances bound to ignite during the upcoming weekend. Or, at the very least, you’ll have a heads up so you can watch the carnage from a safe distance. Let’s get started…

East Lansing will burn…

As previously noted, Michigan State’s offense was downright dreadful last year. The Big Ten’s version of the Florida Gators—with a great defense, solid running game and a gross aerial attack—looks to be similar to its 2012 counterpart. Through one game, the Spartans are holding up their end of the bargain, needing two quarterbacks to churn out 116 passing yards, ranking them 105th in the nation.

Michigan State’s opponent this Saturday, South Florida, looked more like a pile of shredded tires than any other team in Week One. The Bulls stroked a $400,000 check for a beat down from FCS squad McNeese State, surrendering 53 points. South Florida scored 21, but two of of its three touchdowns came in garbage time. Nothing like getting beaten up and having your wallet stolen in the process.

These two horrific offenses are sure to create a raging column flames, emanating oppressive heat and smoke. Please evacuate East Lansing in a organized manner.

Most of the Week Two schedule…

With only a handful of compelling games on this week’s schedule—most notably, Georgia vs. South Carolina, Michigan vs. Notre Dame , Florida vs. Miami—this expanse of couldn’t-care-less match-ups resembles a burning Kuwaiti tire field. It makes one wonder why, after such an exciting opening weekend, we will be subjected to the likes of Wisconsin against Tennessee Tech, Cincinnati versus Illinois, or Duke playing Memphis? (Or, why there are giant tire fields in the middle of the desert? Both seem suspicious.)

Texas’ recruiting process…

Shortly after the prodigal son, Jameis Winston, had his coming out party in Pittsburgh, it was revealed Florida State was not his desired landing spot. Brett McMurphy dropped this nugget after Monday night’s routing of Pitt:

Since we’re actively keeping score at home, that means Mack Brown has passed on Johnny Manziel, Robert Griffin III and now Winston. How much longer until someone puts this fire out?

Taylor Schwink hails from Maryland, but his college football fandom was forged during his time Morgantown, WV, where he witnessed the Mountaineers gag on a shot at the national title. He’s a connoisseur of sport and is capable of growing one of the finest beards you’ve ever seen. Follow him on Twitter @CTSchwink or listen to him spout Terrapin nonsense on Red Shell Radio.