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The 2013 Recruiting All Porn Name Team

Something happened in the mid-90s that made strange names acceptable. My working theory is that the superstardom of a young Shaquille O’Neal gave young parents the comfort of knowing that names could sound differently and still be successful.  If anything, Shaq’s name helped him become a pop culture icon.  All in all, he banked almost $300 million playing basketball, released five studio rap albums, and was somehow paid for his role in Kazaam, a movie for which he should never be forgiven.  It kind of worked out.

Indeed, we are all unique snowflakes.  A simple glance through the names of incoming recruits proves the point.  However, not all creative names work out according to plan.  Sometimes, even the least expressive names become the most ironic.

If the adage is correct, and most NCAA athletes end up going pro in something other than sports, then the following graduates in 2017 may already have the names to succeed in the highly competitive and lucrative industry of adult films. For your entertainment, we present the 2013 Recruiting All Porn Name Team…

The 2013 Recruiting All Porn Name Team

*denotes team captain

POS PLAYER
QB Skyler Windmiller*
QB Parker McLoed
RB Wendell Smallwood
RB Dreamius Smith
WR Ishmael Hyman
WR Prentavious Morehead
WR Anthony Bonett
WR Jordan Smallwood
WR Dmitri Butts
OT Poet Thomas
OT Kevin Biggs
OG Eric Bonenberger*
OG Kyle Bottoms
C Ryan Hoefeld
DE Christian Lacoutoure
DE Austin Fister
DE DeMarvious Loving
DE Randy Ricks
DT Adam Plouder
DT Austin Arrowood
DT Finesse Middleton
OLB Virgin Johnson*
OLB Reggie Spearman
OLB Larry Bush
OLB Brock Long
OLB Buddy Brown
MLB LaDerius Hooker
MLB Marvin Bush
CB Justin Sweet
CB Dame Turner
CB Eli Apple
CB Jonathan Moxey
S Montrel Meander
S Kwame Peek
K YoungHoe Koo
P Lenny Holderhead

Note:

  • Parker McLoed (pronounced “McLoud”) is a three-star quarterback commit to Alabama.  If football does not work out in the next four years, we feel that a simple juxtaposition of letters could make “Parker McLode” a five-star mainstay on RedTube.
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